Red tape to me seems to be rather black and white/cut and dried/salt and pepper. Marching rows of letters and numbers on a form, boxes like parking spaces waiting to be filled by the vehicle of my prose. Fabulous. Even then when it’s all filled, filed and sent, some other query may weave its way back and you begin a line of correspondence as steady as a line of marching ants knowing it’s about to rain. When the correspondence fails then it’s the autodialler, that familiar burble of the tone in your ear, the spongy keys being worshipped by fingertips  the mating call of the telephone system in your ear, and then a connection – to something real. NO – more walls of bureaucracy to sift through, to do option one push one, to do option 2 press 2 , 3,4,5,6,7 all the way to 9. to speak to a customer service representative press ZERO. Please tell me that first! Your importance is then filtered down through more menus and sub-layers until you hit a worker ant in the sub-basement of some building in Mombay who can see the city you are calling from – they ‘relate’ to you by suggesting the weather is rather hot today – they have a bank of computers displaying temperatures of major cities all over the world. Fabulous. “How may I help you”?. 

The problem is expressed in mind numbing teeth chattering dullness yet he seems to be fully interested in your ‘problem’ but on closer examination he discovers he does not have the authority to deal with it and must refer upwards.  On hold squealy adverts peer out of the holes in the earpiece trying to see into your brain to send in some fish hook to make you bite – but hold your position, you’re here to overcome. He’s back “transferring you now”. Strangely its a voice with a  familiar Aussie tang. “Hi this is Naomi”, I understand that….. the problem again explained in mind numbing etc…and of course at the end you might have well have been chewing on a cardboard sandwich because she can’t do anything else either- she suggests writing – you explain that’s where this started. “Can you refer me ‘upwards’. No, we’ll have to call you. Just write us a letter explaining all this…….Meanwhile your lemon flavored product sits useless in the lounge room doing nothing.