Somehow they gave me a licence to drive a 16 tonne truck, after a morning of sitting in the classroom followed by a half hour drive around the suburbs and then a test I have the theoretical capacity to drive a sixteen tonne missile down neighbourly streets! It’s different , being up there above the world looking out over the road as if its tiny town. That door is hanging in the sky and you have to use a handhold to pull yourself up the two steps. That’s OK but I always forget when I’m getting out though, until My foot swipes at the empty air and some part of my mammalian memory reminds me there’s another two feet to the ground, brace for impact, calves absorb the shock and it sends a judder through me. No broken bones. I WILL remember next time!

In the cab its a modern marvel of technological achievement. Disturbing though is the seat. I push a lever on the left and it assesses my weight , I then tinker with two other controls, the whole time this seat is bouncing up and down like a yo yo and I’m the YO! This continues on the road for a crazy kind of ride. Firing up the monster is easy, just turn the ignition. I then press the control to open the garage door , yellow lights flash crazy and a loud beeping sound stirs the air- must be annoying for those folks in the flats across the road…Lift the clutch it isn’t too heavy, and the roaring tank creeps out of the garage.

The gear shift is strange- eight gears- the first two you don’t use and the second block of four is activated by a switch in the middle of the gear lever. For those challenged in the ’simultaneous’ stakes, this is a doozy . As the lights trun red to green, it’s: 3rd, 4th SWITCH, 5th , 6th, with the tacho revving up to 2500 where the engine loses any sort of grunt, it expires and you can’t hold it there too long. You’re moving now going down the road , but where the hell is the vehicle? I know I need to drive it closer to that line on the right, just line up the side of the truck with the white line in the right mirror and I shouldn’t hit anything. Shouldn’t. Each gear change, each traffic light requires a gulp of air, a stilling of the panic inside, that I’ll miss a gear or hit something going round a corner- watch your cutting in. Will it get better – over time I guess, but when I signed up I wasn’t signing up for this – not me. Now if it was a P51 Mustang fighter aircraft I could be tempted….maybe……..