The bundle of chips I am cupping seem to cut into my hand with the sharp edges, like a well ground kitchen knife, they swelter like a bar heater and seem to weigh as much as a motorcycle as I haul them up to the window. My guilt feels equally as weighty – somehow I’ve just managed to pull about five thousand dollars off of a roulette table- don’t ask me how. Part of me – the destructive part – wanted to stay and put it all on one last gamble, but I’ve learned to walk away from that voice; the voice that sneers at me saying you don’t deserve this, you’re a little poor boy- well it can just go to hell!

Her navy blue waistcoat has gold buttons that glitter slightly as she turns. My pile does not surprise her – is that part of the training I wonder? The chips clink through a receptacle and she starts laying out the hundreds – part of me starts to feel anxious, it manifests as a small revolving galaxy in my guts – I’m going to walk out of here with five K – what if some operator has been watching me and follows me and gives me a whack. More disaster scenarios play out. I will not listen to that voice or indulge in that movie either.

Be gone!

Ten hundreds make a thousand – five thousands make my five thousand. Those green plastic slivers start to add up and fatten- she ties them up in bundles of 1K with rubber bands and then a big fat one to contain the lot. She shuttles it across with a smile. It feels a lot lighter now it’s ‘real’ money. I drift through the casino with its bells and lights and cries of ‘winner’ and ‘yeah’ coming from various tables not really knowing what time it is. Hard edged poker faces stare down the cards and make instant calculations. Maybe I could have a ‘quick’ round of black jack – but is there really a quick round? I will not listen to that voice! I will only listen to the voice that says ‘keep walking, keep moving, get out the door’. And what will I do with this guilt money once outside – I didn’t earn it honestly. Maybe I could give it to a charity? Maybe I could rationalise the ten thousand I lost making it?